Anguishing, Languishing Blog

Why hello blog!  It’s been a long time!  I’ve been busy doing a lot of things.  But none of those things has convinced me of my calling.

So I still have a topic for this blog!

My best bud and I have moved to a new city, where he is doing a fantastic job in his grad program.  I am struggling with the transition for a lot of reasons, one of which is my lingering unemployment.

I have been actively looking for a job since mid-August.  There have been some near-misses, and there have been some periods without any prospects at all.  But there have not yet been any offers.  And it’s driving me nuts.

Because I need money.
Because I can’t decide when it’s time to give up and seek a minimum-wage hourly job.
Because there’s very little structure to my days.
Because my partner is busy all the time and I’m not.
Because when people ask me what I do, I don’t have an answer.
Because I’ve been putting most things on hold until I have a job instead of living my life in the present moment.
Because it’s hard not to take the continued rejection personally.
Because the emotional roller-coaster of hope followed by disappointment is destabilizing.

For all of these reasons, I have been kind of losing my mind.  And it’s affecting other things in my life, too.  It’s putting a huge strain on my relationship with my significant other.  It’s making me want to avoid social situations, because I tear up so frequently and it’s embarrassing to cry for no apparent reason.

Thank God I finally found a therapist!  (To whom I’m paying cash money—but it’s worth it, I think).

And thank God there are a few possibilities out there right now.  I wish I could force these organizations to decide whom they want to hire more quickly, because I have diminished patience each day.  But maybe, maybe, one of them will want to hire me.  And I can get back to figuring what work is the most satisfying for me.

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